If Dr Seuss wrote about male catfights...

[FiteBARD]

Somebody illustrate this nonsense...




There once was a manor house, huge and red
Where a rivalry started, or so it’s said
Between the heirs of the house’s old lord
Two strapping young men, each his ward
It was morning, and both handsome young men
Had fallen in love with a gardener named Ben
Ben had no clue (he was working downstairs)
So the two young men decided to settle these affairs
Yes, Lord Everly Bright and Lord Lancaster Vroom
Agreed to fight in every last room

The fight began in the main hall
The perfect place to start a brawl
They glared and stared and shoved and shamed
And pulled and pushed and slapped and maimed
They tumbled down the old back stair
While clawing faces and pulling hair

In the larder they fought for an hour
Until they were both covered in flour
In the kitchen they did spit and punch
Then paused to have a bit of lunch
In the stable they raised fists to box
But scared the horses and a fox
In the library, books were used
As Bright and Vroom abused and refused
to stop the fight, or even rest
Until they knew who was the best

In the basement, a wrestling fight
Where the Vroom did sleeper Everly Bright
In the gay and glittering ballroom
Everly Bright spladled Lancaster Vroom
The servants went about their day
As the two privileged men carried on with their play
Butler and Footman placed a bet
As their masters through their clothes did sweat

In the pool they tumbled in
And soon began to box again
And talk some trash and rip fine clothes
Bright nearly broke Duke’s perfect nose

Then from the pool, they raged and rolled
Duke held Bright in a stranglehold
Down a hill they rolled and raged
And noone thought the brawl was staged
In the gardens they fell with a thud
And proceeded to wrestle in the mud

They poked and pushed their way back indoors
Naked and muddy and on all fours
They slipped upon the parquet floor
Then punched and slapped and slammed some more
Bright rode Vroom just like a horse
He fishooked his mouth and tried to force
him to give up the handsome Ben
But Vroom bucked him off, and they fought again

In the dining room they fought on the table
They wrestled in soup until Vroom could disable
Bright with a naked facesit pin
Bright screamed, but too deep was his face within
his handsome opponent who didn’t care
If Bright could move or access air
So Bright bucked him off, but Vroom grabbed his neck
And they rolled from the room leaving it a wreck

In the master bedroom they fought on the bed
But fell asleep locked up instead
For seven hours slept Vroom and Bright
Then awoke with the cock’s crow, and resumed their fight

In the salon their moods did ruffle
And they continued the endless scuffle
Things were thrown and blown and broken
And only trash talk words were spoken

A squabble, a fistfight, a rough-and-tumble war
They raised a ruckus, then rassled some more
A feud, a catfight, a rumble, a spat
If you like fights, this manor house is where it’s at

Bright and Vroom could not be separated
They camel clutched and scissored and stretched and serrated
They spladled and stroked
Like bellows they stoked
In the boiler room they were covered in sweat
Slippery and slimy and hot and wet
They kicked and cursed and battled and beat
And neither would submit or retreat

"Say Uncle! Say I give!
I’m superior! I shall live!
I’m your boss! I’m the king!"
The pain, the pressure, the burning sting!
They roared and retreated
They battered and bit
But neither would say “I submit!”

They squeezed at pecs and balls and faces
They bearhugged with ever tighter embraces
They fingered holes until they screamed
They footman blew his load and dreamed
of fighting the butler in just such a way
The butler agreed, and they soon ran away
to the barn, where the horses and fox had been brought
There Butler and Footman stripped down and fought

Back at the house, the old lord was stirring
He heard his wards warring, and he started purring
For what could be better, the old lord mused
than two handsome wards all broken and bruised?
He heard them fight right up the steps
imagining their weakened thighs and triceps
The battle surely took a tole
Would he step in and play his lordly role?

But Bright and Vroom weren’t finished yet
Ben the servant need not fret
For no one had won, and no one had lost
How long until their strength would exhaust?
A fencing fight, with hardened cocks
They held their cum, and cleaned each other’s clocks
They shoved against walls
They grinded dicks
They struck with fists, and feet, and sticks
They slapped with gloves
They gouged at eyes
They squeezed with powerful jockey thighs
In the attic they had a rolling brawl
Until they heard their father call
And then they were no longer fighting bores
But polite young men that everyone adores
Bright washed Vroom, and Vroom scrubbed his brother
They dressed each other’s wounds, then dressed each other
They ran downstairs to greet their father
The manor house was clean, as if there’d been no bother
They sat at table with hands neatly folded
And listened while they both were scolded
Then hands were shook, and hugs exchanged
But the valets heard an agreement arranged
That come tomorrow they’d fight for Ben
Yes, tomorrow they would fight again

And far away in the barn across the way
A butler and footman are fighting to this day
Naked, and sweaty, and ruddy, and hard
Gut punching and wrestling just across the yard
Rolling like angry fighting twins
Ben’s there now, waiting to see who wins

[BenBarnes05]

Absolutely loved this, excellent!!

[FiteBARD]

So weird, right? And it just sort of appeared in my head and took shape quickly. I love the friendliness of the rhyme scheme paired with the twisred aggression and eroticism. I'd love somebody to illustrate it.